Today was probably the hardest day thus far.....

Talking about grief and loss is never a pleasant topic but I felt compelled to share part of my story so that people realize that grief may hit you months....and even years....later. I had a really rough afternoon after I shared today. I know that Maternal/Infant is probably going to be THE TOUGHEST rotation for me. I always wanted 2 kids and to be done by the time I was 30. Well, I didn't have my first till I was 30 (because my now ex-husband took his sweet time deciding when the time was right) and by the time I had my miscarriage and surgery and everything he decided that he "didn't want to go through that again" so we stopped trying. A year later it was over but by then I was 35 which was my absolute cut-off for having a baby because of the greater chance of birth defects.

I told my boyfriend about it and went to see him on his lunch break for some much needed hugs. He is so wonderful and understanding. I wish HE were the father of my child....he's a lot better of a father than the one she has! He was surprised that I shared with everyone but I felt like I needed to. I was actually quite proud of myself that I didn't cry in class....my voice cracked but I held back the tears until I got to my car. Thank goodness it was a shorter class! :)

Yes, I would still love to have another baby because I LOVED being pregnant but it's not an option for me. My boyfriend has 2 children (13 and 7) and is not interested in having any more. At this point, with the kids the ages they are to start over would be a nightmare. They're self-sufficient and it's nice that we can just go do what we want....not to mention that we get a week off every other week to be grown-ups and NOT mom and/or dad. If we had a child together that would be 24/7 and we wouldn't get that time off. If by some miracle it happened then I'm sure we would be fine with it but it's not in the plans. We are not at a place in our lives where we want a baby. I'll just let my friends have them and go love on their babies and give them back for the 3 am feedings and teething and earaches!

I'm sure I will be sharing more stuff when it comes up in class. It does get easier but it's still pretty tough to think about. However, God has a reason and a plan and having another baby was not it at that time. Had I had it I would probably STILL be married and miserable and feeling completely trapped and I DEFINITELY wouldn't be in Nursing School! So...something good came out of my heartache and that's what I need to focus on. I'm a lot better off than I was 3 years ago or 2 years ago or even a year ago. I'm hoping the next 3.5 semesters fly by as quick as this first class did!

Good luck to everyone on clinicals this week and the final next week. I think my objectives keep multiplying in my bookbag. Just when I think I'm done 10 more pages appear I think!